Wednesday, October 14, 2015


Just barely over a month ago, Jason and I lost a baby. 

The distressed look in the ultrasound tech's face as she said, "I'm sorry, but there is no longer a heartbeat" will forever be etched in my memory. 
My heart shattered into a million little pieces in that exact moment. 

I was just shy of twelve weeks. 
...just shy of my second trimester, where you're able to breathe a little easier knowing that the risk of miscarriage has decreased tremendously. 
...just shy of giving Blaykleigh a book called - Hello In There: A Big Sister's Book of Waiting. She would have been elated to find out she was going to be a big sister!
...just shy of sharing the news with everyone we know. We had big plans to reveal our sweet growing baby while we were vacationing at Disney World.
...just shy of learning whether we would be having a boy or a girl - it was a boy by the way!
...just shy of so many BIG dreams that come along with having children. 

Over the past month, I have gone through just about every wave of emotion there is to go through. 
Loss is never easy, no matter how much time you've had with someone. 

September eleventh, I received the heartbreaking news and went to bed feeling more empty than I ever have before. 
September twelfth, I saw our baby boy for the very first time. It's amazingly beautiful just how intricate a body no bigger than a few inches really is. He had the tiniest hands and feet with all ten fingers and toes and yes, I counted. 

Jonah is the name we chose for our sleeping baby.
Its Hebrew meaning is dove.
And if you know me at all, you know I am a lover of birds.  
Doves are said to represent peace of the deepest kind. A kind of peace that quiets a troubled mind, allowing for one to find renewal in the silence of the mind. Doves remind us that no matter what we are faced with, peace is always within us and always available. 

Jonah is peace. 

little dove i love you so
but i know you had to go.
so spread your wings and
fly my love, soar above
the world my dove. 
paint the sky in indigo,
let your graceful colors 
flow, and i'll search the 
sky for your rainbow. 

~christy ann martine

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